The AntiChris

Uncle Sam

2011-01-05T19:40:00.000-08:00

I want YOU to explain your stilt fetish.

Juggalos (ICP fans)

2010-12-17T11:39:00.001-08:00

These dirtclowns are more disaffected than
Steve Guttenberg's career.

Mandels

2010-10-15T19:32:00.001-07:00

Sometimes walking is controlled failing.

Unibrows

2010-08-23T21:45:00.000-07:00

One is the loneliest number.

The Tea Party

2010-07-30T21:05:00.000-07:00

Ignorence ain't alweys blis.

Backyard wrestling

2010-06-22T21:31:00.001-07:00

It's like the Harvard Business School—if you're business is
drooling in buckets.

Cockapoos

2010-05-27T00:38:00.000-07:00

A meth-addled merman would make for a better pet than this hybrid abomination.

Healing crystals

2010-05-27T00:18:00.000-07:00

This new age gimmickry will bring about as much serenity as shelling out $300 to ride a hot air balloon into a rainbow with Yanni as he blurts histrionic morning breath into your face.

Sweatpants

2010-05-26T22:55:00.000-07:00

A cry for help not even cutters will succumb to.

LARPers (Live Action Role Players)

2010-04-27T21:36:00.001-07:00

Even their fantasy lives are socially awkward.

Super fans

2010-04-13T19:45:00.001-07:00

Vegetables make fascism grow strong like the Hulk.

Neck tattoos

2010-03-11T10:50:00.001-08:00

They wear their hearts on their sleeves and their
daddy issues on their necks.

Barry Manilow

2010-02-15T22:45:00.000-08:00

Just a geriatric rat in drag, sniffing for his next morsel of cheese.

Roller Rink officials

2010-02-03T14:53:00.000-08:00

Like motel stains, these doofs only flourish under black light.

Guidos

2010-01-11T19:52:00.000-08:00

This breed of Oompa Loompa is afflicted merely with
dwarfish frontal lobes.

The Red Hat Society

2009-12-21T11:31:00.001-08:00

Their repulsive color scheme indicates that these gang members are more likely to have glaucoma than glocks.

Vampire hysteria

2009-11-29T20:36:00.001-08:00

Overweight teenage girls obsessed with vampires.
Thanks Count Chocula.

Cankles

2009-11-22T10:55:00.001-08:00

Unlike actual moon boots, these things have never been popular.

Affliciton T-shirts

2009-11-19T19:07:00.000-08:00

I, too, would be afflicted if I paraded around with Glenn Danzig’s reflux on my chest.

Megachurches

2009-11-12T22:33:00.000-08:00

God is smiling down like a father in the Special Olympics stands.

Octomom

2009-10-07T17:18:00.000-07:00

This clown car needs its doors welded shut.

Snuggies

2009-10-03T21:46:00.001-07:00

Their warmth helps stave off rigamortis—which comes in
handy when you’re dead inside.

Magic Mormon underpants

2009-09-17T22:29:00.001-07:00

Arthur C. Clarke once said, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Apparently, this includes trampoline-jumping-support technology.

Mom jeans

2009-08-19T16:56:00.000-07:00

The most effective form of birth control.

Olive Garden

2009-08-18T22:27:00.000-07:00

About as Italian as Frank Stallone-signed cleavage.

Ashton Kutcher Tweets

2009-08-06T20:26:00.000-07:00

These inane updates are a more wince-inducing form of expression than self-immolation.

Day-shift Hooters waitresses

2009-07-21T20:09:00.000-07:00

Sure, they’re sweet gals, but they’re generally about as sexy as a convalescent home fire.

People Magazine crossword puzzles

2009-07-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

Rats exert more mental energy when pressing their snouts on levers
to get food pellets.

Segways

2009-06-28T00:57:00.000-07:00

Evidently the only time red state tourists are pro-science is when it keeps them from wheezing.

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

2009-06-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

Kurt Cobain minus awesome.

Aquaman

2009-06-26T17:16:00.001-07:00

If wearing tights and talking to fish makes one a superhero,
then maybe it’s time I reassess my Uncle Dan.

Ansel Adams posters

2009-06-03T13:26:00.001-07:00

These things are about as discerning as “Hang in There”
cat posters.

Kenny Rogers' makeover

2009-05-20T09:38:00.000-07:00

As the Thom Yorke eye will attest, The Gambler’s plastic surgeon clearly doesn’t know when to fold ’em.

The Phillie Phanatic

2009-05-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

He's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, stuffed inside an enigma of self-hatred.

Jam bands

2009-05-14T17:29:00.001-07:00

Traffic jams are more enjoyable.

Sarah Palin

2009-05-13T20:21:00.001-07:00

As with car show spokesmodels and parrots, memorization is
a far cry from sentience.

Rick Rude

2009-04-21T23:27:00.001-07:00

Even for an overgrown, clinically retarded man-child with
no sense of etiquette, he was pretty rude.

Lance Bass

2009-04-02T00:04:00.001-07:00

Just a starry-eyed dreamer on a quest for Uranus.

Mark from 'The Hogan Family'

2009-03-19T22:09:00.000-07:00

Joey Lawrence. With a tapeworm.

South San Francisco

2009-03-18T01:07:00.000-07:00

I left my heart in San Francisco, and my kidney in
South San Francisco.

Brian Boitano

2009-03-17T11:37:00.001-07:00

He’s like Balki Bartokomous, only hilarious.

Bridge and Tunnel

2009-03-07T10:47:00.000-08:00

The stench of Applebee’s and AXE means only one thing:
the barbarians are no longer just at the gate.

Scratch 'n Win lottery tickets

2009-02-25T00:47:00.000-08:00

Scratching your butt through sweatpants is a more rewarding endeavor.

Manatees

2009-02-24T01:30:00.000-08:00

If I cared about seeing lifeless blobs of floating flesh, I’d rent ‘Cocoon.’

Indian burns

2009-02-09T20:43:00.001-08:00

When faced with small pox blankets and gunfire, this form of defense proved about as effective as Indian-giving and maize-hurling.

Arena Football League

2009-02-09T20:12:00.000-08:00

It’s like Powder Puff, but with AstroTurf and penises.

Jockeys

2009-01-31T19:48:00.000-08:00

All these whippersnappers do is trade in their
elf suits and carousels for shiny suits and bulimia.

Female bodybuilders

2009-01-30T16:26:00.000-08:00

Sure, they're desirable—if you're a recovering gay Christian
in need of methadone.

Jean shorts

2008-12-30T19:50:00.001-08:00

Advocates of this garment are as oblivious to their offense as a flatulent deaf guy.

Comic book conventions

2008-12-20T23:35:00.001-08:00

The entry badge might as well be a promise ring.

Authentic reproductions

2008-12-17T22:44:00.001-08:00

This oxymoronic memorabilia is the perfect gift for the
ingenious mongoloid in your life.

John Stamos

2008-12-09T15:27:00.000-08:00

The only thing this Greek god has going for him is a mug that makes Apollo look like a hungover Tom Petty.

Hearing aids diguised as Bluetooths

2008-11-21T18:08:00.000-08:00

Now, if only you could do something about the douchebag handicap.

Single-wide trailers

2008-11-12T23:33:00.001-08:00

When you’re this down and out, you’ve gotta go double or nuthin’.

Keanu Reeves

2008-11-12T20:45:00.000-08:00

He portrays a mentally retarded person in every movie,
and somehow he still can’t win an Oscar.

Wiccans

2008-11-06T10:25:00.001-08:00

The cardinal virtues of this religion are flag twirling, cats, depression, and cheese.

Midget ponies

2008-11-06T10:12:00.001-08:00

Too small for cowboys. Too nippy for midgets.

Huffy bikes

2008-10-26T18:01:00.001-07:00

Peddling a girl’s bike with peed pants is a more dignified
way to travel.

Granny panties

2008-09-28T22:23:00.000-07:00

Like Buicks, these behemoths are only forgivable if you're in your golden years or subsequent dementia years.*

*Clinically known as "Fool's Golden Years."

Claymates

2008-09-25T14:10:00.000-07:00

Unlike the disciples, these followers betrayed their chosen one because of their devotion to Jesus.

Melissa Etheridge

2008-09-25T00:33:00.000-07:00

True to her musical influences, this corn-fed crooner melds the sensibility of Springsteen with the unlistenability of Springfield.

Greyhound bus conversations

2008-09-25T00:03:00.001-07:00

Huffing Scotchgard under power lines is a more enriching experience.

Meter maids

2008-09-24T23:57:00.000-07:00

The most loathsome kind of maid this side of Tony Danza.

Randoms who ruin your photos

2008-09-24T23:43:00.000-07:00

These people are to photos as moles are to Enrique Iglesias.

Oxygen bars

2008-09-24T22:08:00.001-07:00

Snickers bars are more satisfying.

Jet skiers

2008-09-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

Like the Yankees, these athletes pride themselves on the timelessness of their uniforms.

Ironic Hitler mustaches

2008-09-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

Too soon, man. Too soon.

House painters

2008-09-11T23:56:00.001-07:00

They're like real painters, but with late-stage alcoholism instead of talent.

Rollerblading

2008-08-31T22:45:00.000-07:00

Experimenting in college is one thing, but come on.

Birthday party magicians

2008-08-29T12:04:00.000-07:00

The only magic these sorcerers can conjure up is the will to get out of bed each morning.

Tourrete's Syndrome

2008-08-28T23:15:00.000-07:00

This unChristian-like affliction pretty much narrows your career options down to drill sergeant or scarecrow.

Soap on a rope

2008-08-28T22:21:00.001-07:00

This variety of soap is only necessary if you’re a prisoner or Michael J. Fox.

McMansions

2008-08-28T20:31:00.001-07:00

This phenomenon is the bourgeois version of The Beverly Hillbillies—but with more Prozac and pleats, and fewer bear skins and foreskins.

Bounty hunters

2008-08-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

A far cry from Boba Fett, real bounty hunters are armed with little more than mace and a mustache comb.

Henry Waxman

2008-08-28T18:37:00.000-07:00

All joking aside, this California congressman is truly an inspiration. Because if a wharf rat can pull himself up by the bootstraps, who can't?

Ivan the Terrible

2008-08-28T18:12:00.000-07:00

Kind of a dick.

Shadow boxing

2008-08-28T18:02:00.001-07:00

It's Solitaire for meatheads.

AOL

2008-08-28T17:49:00.001-07:00

Welcome to the Midwest Wide Web.

Pharmacy toys

2008-08-28T15:48:00.001-07:00

The gift that keeps on giving resentment.

Ronald McDonald

2008-08-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

This kiddy-fondling freak makes Michael Jackson look like Mike Brady (minus all the sordid stuff).

Lasers

2008-08-13T22:07:00.001-07:00

Unlike Hollywood’s destructive depiction, this technology is only capable of destroying one’s viewing experience in Harlem theaters.

Truckasaurus

2008-08-13T21:41:00.000-07:00

Behold the South’s only invention since the cotton gin and kissing cousins.

Gum savers

2008-08-01T23:55:00.001-07:00

If you’ve resorted to re-chewing your gum, you should probably invest in something a little more essential—like a barrel and suspenders.

Sparklers

2008-08-01T23:14:00.000-07:00

These freedom sticks are perhaps the only thing burnout-trippers and right-wing fundamentalists have in common—aside from periodic Jesus sightings.

Working out in jeans and boots

2008-08-01T22:17:00.001-07:00

This look is only excusable if you’re an illegal alien, a construction worker, or training to fight Ivan Drago.

Webelos

2008-08-01T21:11:00.000-07:00

The only time these granny-helping wood nymphs get to use their survival skills is when they're crammed inside a locker.

Silver robot men

2008-08-01T20:48:00.001-07:00

These tourist-trap drones offer up a bleaker vision of the future than ‘The Terminator’. Fortunately, they don’t appear to be self-aware.

Classic rock DJs

2008-08-01T20:23:00.001-07:00

The only difference between these guys and strip club announcers is fewer syphilis lesions.

Droopy

2008-08-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

As David Bowie came to realize, it takes more than a sporty haircut and eyeshadow to hide your crippling, black depression.

Razor Scooters

2008-07-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

You could quicken your commute with spandex and a shaved head as well. But at what cost, man?!

The Worm

2008-07-19T00:18:00.001-07:00

This pre-blackout favorite should only be attempted if you're to prepared to awake with bruised knees, skinned elbows, and a bout of soul-crushing shame.

Rodeo clowns

2008-07-18T23:20:00.000-07:00

Only Michael Richards has managed to combine failed humor and harbored racism with such dexterity.

Cousin Oliver from 'The Brady Bunch'

2008-07-18T22:43:00.000-07:00

The only thing this towheaded imp brought to the table was proof that John Denver wasn’t the impotent granola-gobbler we took him for.

Deluxe leather fanny packs

2008-07-18T22:28:00.001-07:00

Getting chrome rims for your double-wide would be a better investment than this abomination.

Ladyboys

2008-07-17T14:49:00.000-07:00

Well, which is it? Lady or boy? I don’t know whether to open the door for you or make you mow my lawn.

Proboscis monkeys

2008-06-27T14:29:00.000-07:00

Keep it in your pants, monkey!

Silver foxes

2008-06-26T10:12:00.001-07:00

These dead sexy elderly gents reek of money, Brute, and colostomy bags.

Black tar heroin

2008-06-20T15:02:00.000-07:00

This low-rent smack is the Willis to Drummond’s China white.
(Only speculating, Nana.)

Cloud City pilots

2008-06-09T18:12:00.000-07:00

At least Ace and Gary maintained a little ambiguity.

Pant suits

2008-06-09T13:18:00.000-07:00

This one-time symbol of empowerment has been reduced to a punch line—no thanks to Hillary Clinton and Dennis Kucinich.