Uncle Sam

I want YOU to explain your stilt fetish.

Juggalos (ICP fans)

These dirtclowns are more disaffected than
Steve Guttenberg's career.

Mandels

Sometimes walking is controlled failing.

Unibrows

One is the loneliest number.

The Tea Party

Ignorence ain't alweys blis.

Backyard wrestling

It's like the Harvard Business School—if you're business is
drooling in buckets.

Cockapoos

A meth-addled merman would make for a better pet than this hybrid abomination.

Healing crystals

This new age gimmickry will bring about as much serenity as shelling out $300 to ride a hot air balloon into a rainbow with Yanni as he blurts histrionic morning breath into your face.

Sweatpants

A cry for help not even cutters will succumb to.

LARPers (Live Action Role Players)

Even their fantasy lives are socially awkward.

Super fans

Vegetables make fascism grow strong like the Hulk.

Neck tattoos

They wear their hearts on their sleeves and their
daddy issues on their necks.

Barry Manilow

Just a geriatric rat in drag, sniffing for his next morsel of cheese.

Roller Rink officials

Like motel stains, these doofs only flourish under black light.

Guidos

This breed of Oompa Loompa is afflicted merely with
dwarfish frontal lobes.

The Red Hat Society

Their repulsive color scheme indicates that these gang members are more likely to have glaucoma than glocks.

Vampire hysteria

Overweight teenage girls obsessed with vampires.
Thanks Count Chocula.

Cankles

Unlike actual moon boots, these things have never been popular.

Affliciton T-shirts

I, too, would be afflicted if I paraded around with Glenn Danzig’s reflux on my chest.

Megachurches

God is smiling down like a father in the Special Olympics stands.

Octomom

This clown car needs its doors welded shut.

Snuggies

Their warmth helps stave off rigamortis—which comes in
handy when you’re dead inside.

Magic Mormon underpants

Arthur C. Clarke once said, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Apparently, this includes trampoline-jumping-support technology.

Mom jeans

The most effective form of birth control. 

Olive Garden

About as Italian as Frank Stallone-signed cleavage.

Ashton Kutcher Tweets

These inane updates are a more wince-inducing form of expression than self-immolation.

Day-shift Hooters waitresses

Sure, they’re sweet gals, but they’re generally about as sexy as a convalescent home fire.

People Magazine crossword puzzles

Rats exert more mental energy when pressing their snouts on levers
to get food pellets.

Segways

Evidently the only time red state tourists are pro-science is when it keeps them from wheezing.

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

Kurt Cobain minus awesome.

Aquaman

If wearing tights and talking to fish makes one a superhero,
then maybe it’s time I reassess my Uncle Dan.

Ansel Adams posters

These things are about as discerning as “Hang in There”
cat posters.

Kenny Rogers' makeover

As the Thom Yorke eye will attest, The Gambler’s plastic surgeon clearly doesn’t know when to fold ’em.

The Phillie Phanatic

He's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, stuffed inside an enigma of self-hatred.

Jam bands

Traffic jams are more enjoyable.

Sarah Palin

As with car show spokesmodels and parrots, memorization is
a far cry from sentience.

Rick Rude

Even for an overgrown, clinically retarded man-child with
no sense of etiquette, he was pretty rude.

Lance Bass

Just a starry-eyed dreamer on a quest for Uranus.

Mark from 'The Hogan Family'

Joey Lawrence. With a tapeworm.

South San Francisco

I left my heart in San Francisco, and my kidney in
South San Francisco.

Brian Boitano

He’s like Balki Bartokomous, only hilarious.

Bridge and Tunnel

The stench of Applebee’s and AXE means only one thing:
the barbarians are no longer just at the gate.

Scratch 'n Win lottery tickets

Scratching your butt through sweatpants is a more rewarding endeavor.

Manatees

If I cared about seeing lifeless blobs of floating flesh, I’d rent ‘Cocoon.’

Indian burns

When faced with small pox blankets and gunfire, this form of defense proved about as effective as Indian-giving and maize-hurling.

Arena Football League

It’s like Powder Puff, but with AstroTurf and penises.

Jockeys

All these whippersnappers do is trade in their
elf suits and carousels for shiny suits and bulimia.

Female bodybuilders

Sure, they're desirable—if you're a recovering gay Christian
in need of methadone.

Jean shorts

Advocates of this garment are as oblivious to their offense as a flatulent deaf guy.

Comic book conventions

The entry badge might as well be a promise ring.