Gobots

On a scale of fun, these things fall somewhere between Transformers and cat turds.

Jonathan Brandis

He carved a niche for himself portraying socially awkward adolescents in B-movies the likes of Sidekicks and Ladybugs. I’m hesitant to denounce him however, because I recently learned that he committed suicide in 2003. So rather than speaking ill of the dead, I’ll abide by the maxim, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” With that said, please join me in a moment of silence…

"I Have A Dog And I Vote" bumper sticker

Thank you for sharing. As for me, I have a microwave and I breathe.

Jainism

A sect of Hinduism that believes one’s soul will be reborn as a lesser being if they screw up in their current life—as the reincarnation of Chris Farley will certainly attest.

Fiero

Ferrari’s retarded little sister. The sister that you could probably get.

Necco Wafers

These dime-store-colored-sugar-disks are the most worthless of all grandparental handouts—just barely beating out butterscotch, coffee candy, and shiny nickels.

Double Denim (a.k.a. The Canadian Tuxedo)

Unless you’re Luke Duke or John Cougar Mellencamp, this look is best left alone. Unless, of course, you relish the quiet contempt of strangers.

Hooded Flannel Shirts

These faux-grunge disasters were commonly seen adorning the acne-riddled backs of strip mall-roaming teens circa 1994. The fashion victims were ostensibly living the life alterna, but they were more likely to be seen slurping Orange Julius's and/or groveling for Gin Blossoms CDs at Sam Goody’s.

Jamie from ‘Small Wonder’

He had the constitution and personality of a bruised pear.

Napoleon

History remembers him as an insatiable general and conqueror, but his true legacy is the legion of small-statured men who overcompensate for their shortcomings, so to speak.

Buff Carrot Top

The mere existence of Carrot Top is troubling enough, but a freakishly bulging Carrot Top is truly a terrifying spectacle to behold. And beyond the sheer horror of it all, it’s the equivalent of putting a spoiler on a Yugo. And beyond the futility of it all, he's failed to realize that one’s musculature is inversely proportional to one’s comedic prowess. Just ask Joe Piscopo.

Scott Storch

The perfect storm of all things detestable.

Hard-boiled Eggs

These gelatinous bird embryos reek of the sulfuric bowels of hell and are nothing more than partial-birth abortions for your mouth.

Renee Zellweger

Though I harbor no ill will toward her, I feel it’s my civic duty to declare that a passably attractive sourpuss has no place on the A-list.

Jason the Rat Boy

I found this guy foraging in my crawl space last week. He’s exhibited no redeeming qualities to date.