Rollerblading

Experimenting in college is one thing, but come on.

Birthday party magicians

The only magic these sorcerers can conjure up is the will to get out of bed each morning.

Tourrete's Syndrome

This unChristian-like affliction pretty much narrows your career options down to drill sergeant or scarecrow.

Soap on a rope

This variety of soap is only necessary if you’re a prisoner or Michael J. Fox.

McMansions

This phenomenon is the bourgeois version of The Beverly Hillbillies—but with more Prozac and pleats, and fewer bear skins and foreskins.

Bounty hunters

A far cry from Boba Fett, real bounty hunters are armed with little more than mace and a mustache comb.

Henry Waxman

All joking aside, this California congressman is truly an inspiration. Because if a wharf rat can pull himself up by the bootstraps, who can't?

Ivan the Terrible

Kind of a dick.

Shadow boxing

It's Solitaire for meatheads.

AOL

Welcome to the Midwest Wide Web.

Pharmacy toys

The gift that keeps on giving resentment.

Ronald McDonald

This kiddy-fondling freak makes Michael Jackson look like Mike Brady (minus all the sordid stuff).

Lasers

Unlike Hollywood’s destructive depiction, this technology is only capable of destroying one’s viewing experience in Harlem theaters.

Truckasaurus

Behold the South’s only invention since the cotton gin and kissing cousins.

Gum savers

If you’ve resorted to re-chewing your gum, you should probably invest in something a little more essential—like a barrel and suspenders.

Sparklers

These freedom sticks are perhaps the only thing burnout-trippers and right-wing fundamentalists have in common—aside from periodic Jesus sightings.

Working out in jeans and boots

This look is only excusable if you’re an illegal alien, a construction worker, or training to fight Ivan Drago.

Webelos

The only time these granny-helping wood nymphs get to use their survival skills is when they're crammed inside a locker.

Silver robot men

These tourist-trap drones offer up a bleaker vision of the future than ‘The Terminator’. Fortunately, they don’t appear to be self-aware.

Classic rock DJs

The only difference between these guys and strip club announcers is fewer syphilis lesions.

Droopy

As David Bowie came to realize, it takes more than a sporty haircut and eyeshadow to hide your crippling, black depression.