Scratch 'n Win lottery tickets

Scratching your butt through sweatpants is a more rewarding endeavor.

Manatees

If I cared about seeing lifeless blobs of floating flesh, I’d rent ‘Cocoon.’

Indian burns

When faced with small pox blankets and gunfire, this form of defense proved about as effective as Indian-giving and maize-hurling.

Arena Football League

It’s like Powder Puff, but with AstroTurf and penises.