Octomom

This clown car needs its doors welded shut.

Snuggies

Their warmth helps stave off rigamortis—which comes in
handy when you’re dead inside.

Magic Mormon underpants

Arthur C. Clarke once said, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Apparently, this includes trampoline-jumping-support technology.

Mom jeans

The most effective form of birth control. 

Olive Garden

About as Italian as Frank Stallone-signed cleavage.

Ashton Kutcher Tweets

These inane updates are a more wince-inducing form of expression than self-immolation.

Day-shift Hooters waitresses

Sure, they’re sweet gals, but they’re generally about as sexy as a convalescent home fire.

People Magazine crossword puzzles

Rats exert more mental energy when pressing their snouts on levers
to get food pellets.

Segways

Evidently the only time red state tourists are pro-science is when it keeps them from wheezing.

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

Kurt Cobain minus awesome.

Aquaman

If wearing tights and talking to fish makes one a superhero,
then maybe it’s time I reassess my Uncle Dan.

Ansel Adams posters

These things are about as discerning as “Hang in There”
cat posters.

Kenny Rogers' makeover

As the Thom Yorke eye will attest, The Gambler’s plastic surgeon clearly doesn’t know when to fold ’em.

The Phillie Phanatic

He's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, stuffed inside an enigma of self-hatred.

Jam bands

Traffic jams are more enjoyable.

Sarah Palin

As with car show spokesmodels and parrots, memorization is
a far cry from sentience.

Rick Rude

Even for an overgrown, clinically retarded man-child with
no sense of etiquette, he was pretty rude.

Lance Bass

Just a starry-eyed dreamer on a quest for Uranus.

Mark from 'The Hogan Family'

Joey Lawrence. With a tapeworm.

South San Francisco

I left my heart in San Francisco, and my kidney in
South San Francisco.

Brian Boitano

He’s like Balki Bartokomous, only hilarious.

Bridge and Tunnel

The stench of Applebee’s and AXE means only one thing:
the barbarians are no longer just at the gate.

Scratch 'n Win lottery tickets

Scratching your butt through sweatpants is a more rewarding endeavor.

Manatees

If I cared about seeing lifeless blobs of floating flesh, I’d rent ‘Cocoon.’

Indian burns

When faced with small pox blankets and gunfire, this form of defense proved about as effective as Indian-giving and maize-hurling.

Arena Football League

It’s like Powder Puff, but with AstroTurf and penises.

Jockeys

All these whippersnappers do is trade in their
elf suits and carousels for shiny suits and bulimia.

Female bodybuilders

Sure, they're desirable—if you're a recovering gay Christian
in need of methadone.

Jean shorts

Advocates of this garment are as oblivious to their offense as a flatulent deaf guy.

Comic book conventions

The entry badge might as well be a promise ring.

Authentic reproductions

This oxymoronic memorabilia is the perfect gift for the
ingenious mongoloid in your life.

John Stamos

The only thing this Greek god has going for him is a mug that makes Apollo look like a hungover Tom Petty.

Hearing aids diguised as Bluetooths

Now, if only you could do something about the douchebag handicap.

Single-wide trailers

When you’re this down and out, you’ve gotta go double or nuthin’.

Keanu Reeves

He portrays a mentally retarded person in every movie,
and somehow he still can’t win an Oscar.

Wiccans

The cardinal virtues of this religion are flag twirling, cats, depression, and cheese.

Midget ponies

Too small for cowboys. Too nippy for midgets.

Huffy bikes

Peddling a girl’s bike with peed pants is a more dignified
way to travel.

Granny panties

Like Buicks, these behemoths are only forgivable if you're in your golden years or subsequent dementia years.*


*Clinically known as "Fool's Golden Years."

Claymates

Unlike the disciples, these followers betrayed their chosen one because of their devotion to Jesus.

Melissa Etheridge

True to her musical influences, this corn-fed crooner melds the sensibility of Springsteen with the unlistenability of Springfield.

Greyhound bus conversations

Huffing Scotchgard under power lines is a more enriching experience.

Meter maids

The most loathsome kind of maid this side of Tony Danza.

Randoms who ruin your photos

These people are to photos as moles are to Enrique Iglesias.

Oxygen bars

Snickers bars are more satisfying.

Jet skiers

Like the Yankees, these athletes pride themselves on the timelessness of their uniforms.

Ironic Hitler mustaches

Too soon, man. Too soon.

House painters

They're like real painters, but with late-stage alcoholism instead of talent.

Rollerblading

Experimenting in college is one thing, but come on.

Birthday party magicians

The only magic these sorcerers can conjure up is the will to get out of bed each morning.