Local funk bands

Gangly white dorks who sing about the hijinks of their gangly white dork friends, and—for some reason—can never land gigs beyond the house parties of their gangly white dork friends.

'Close' buttons on elevators

I've seen wounded great-grandmothers that work more often than these things.

Pizza Hut

These shameless hucksters continue to needlessly reinvent the wheel by churning out increasingly absurd variants of pizza so to exploit the whims of slack-jawed mouth-breathers and children that rock back and forth.

Swedish über-hunk, Günther

You’re better than me. I get it. You don’t have to rub it in.

Soundwave

He reigned supreme in the 1980’s as Megatron’s right-hand man. But modern audio advancements ultimately rendered his skill set all but defunct—making him, essentially, the Jazzy Jeff to Megatron’s Will Smith.

Hacky Sack

This game of leisure was originally championed by the tight-shorts and knee high sock-wearing elite. But Trickle-Down Theory Reaganomics enabled the noble heritage to be hijacked by hippies. Dirty, dirty hippies.

Thomas KInkade

He mass-produces idyllic depictions of idealized, false realities that are calculatedly devised to opiate our senses—making him a veritable Larry Flynt in sheep’s clothing.

The Future

It's the 21st century and yet instead of robot maids, we have robots that do little more than rob us of our money and our dignity.

Spotters

If I wanted to get yelled at by a meathead, I'd hide Lou Ferrigno's hearing aids.

Scooters that pretend to be motorcycles

These counterfeit hogs are about as convincing as a midget on stilts.

KFC Famous Bowls

Like a last meal on death row, this dish was designed to provide momentary comfort to those whose futures are bleak.

Gallagher Too

He gained notoriety for stealing the act of his sledge-hammer wielding brother, Gallagher. To counteract this affront, Gallagher (America’s foremost authority in the War on Watermelon) refocused his wrath and slapped him with a lawsuit. And thank God. Because we need another Gallagher like we need another Hepatitis.

Cads

The adorable Cockney accent will only get you so far, you scamps.

Nunchucks

These relatively ineffective chain sticks are far less threatening than they appear—not unlike whale sharks or Sylvester Stallone.

Gobots

On a scale of fun, these things fall somewhere between Transformers and cat turds.

Jonathan Brandis

He carved a niche for himself portraying socially awkward adolescents in B-movies the likes of Sidekicks and Ladybugs. I’m hesitant to denounce him however, because I recently learned that he committed suicide in 2003. So rather than speaking ill of the dead, I’ll abide by the maxim, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” With that said, please join me in a moment of silence…

"I Have A Dog And I Vote" bumper sticker

Thank you for sharing. As for me, I have a microwave and I breathe.

Jainism

A sect of Hinduism that believes one’s soul will be reborn as a lesser being if they screw up in their current life—as the reincarnation of Chris Farley will certainly attest.

Fiero

Ferrari’s retarded little sister. The sister that you could probably get.

Necco Wafers

These dime-store-colored-sugar-disks are the most worthless of all grandparental handouts—just barely beating out butterscotch, coffee candy, and shiny nickels.

Double Denim (a.k.a. The Canadian Tuxedo)

Unless you’re Luke Duke or John Cougar Mellencamp, this look is best left alone. Unless, of course, you relish the quiet contempt of strangers.

Hooded Flannel Shirts

These faux-grunge disasters were commonly seen adorning the acne-riddled backs of strip mall-roaming teens circa 1994. The fashion victims were ostensibly living the life alterna, but they were more likely to be seen slurping Orange Julius's and/or groveling for Gin Blossoms CDs at Sam Goody’s.

Jamie from ‘Small Wonder’

He had the constitution and personality of a bruised pear.

Napoleon

History remembers him as an insatiable general and conqueror, but his true legacy is the legion of small-statured men who overcompensate for their shortcomings, so to speak.

Buff Carrot Top

The mere existence of Carrot Top is troubling enough, but a freakishly bulging Carrot Top is truly a terrifying spectacle to behold. And beyond the sheer horror of it all, it’s the equivalent of putting a spoiler on a Yugo. And beyond the futility of it all, he's failed to realize that one’s musculature is inversely proportional to one’s comedic prowess. Just ask Joe Piscopo.

Scott Storch

The perfect storm of all things detestable.

Hard-boiled Eggs

These gelatinous bird embryos reek of the sulfuric bowels of hell and are nothing more than partial-birth abortions for your mouth.

Renee Zellweger

Though I harbor no ill will toward her, I feel it’s my civic duty to declare that a passably attractive sourpuss has no place on the A-list.

Jason the Rat Boy

I found this guy foraging in my crawl space last week. He’s exhibited no redeeming qualities to date.