Proboscis monkeys

Keep it in your pants, monkey!

Silver foxes

These dead sexy elderly gents reek of money, Brute, and colostomy bags.

Black tar heroin

This low-rent smack is the Willis to Drummond’s China white.
(Only speculating, Nana.)

Cloud City pilots

At least Ace and Gary maintained a little ambiguity.

Pant suits

This one-time symbol of empowerment has been reduced to a punch line—no thanks to Hillary Clinton and Dennis Kucinich.

Foreign toilets

Squaws in labor have had an easier go of it.

Great white sharks

The jerks of the sea.

Dockers

This brand of trousers generally looks good only on white Anglo-Saxon protestant males playing golf in the early '90s.

Little people

Unlike dwarves (who are strong and loyal) and midgets (who are fine actors and huggable), little people do little more than stew about life's inequities—like roller coaster regulations and coyote attacks.

Hot girls with a token fat friend

This devious ploy creates an optical allusion that heightens their attractiveness by juxtaposing themselves with acute homeliness. However, some insist this tactic is just an urban legend: namely, Rumer Willis.

Twins that dress alike

Perhaps the most egregious offense that twins can commit—aside from being Jeremy and Jason London.

A group of youths

More terrifying than a car full of chemically imbalanced clowns.

Boogie Boarding

The socially acceptable way to say, "I pee sitting down."

Sam from Diff'rent Strokes

This bowl-headed sass-mouth did for redheaded stepchildren what "Jaws" did for sharks.

Plus-size models

Sure, they're attractive. If you account for gravitational pull.

Townies

A posturing breed of ne'er-do-wells indigenous to A&W and Dairy Queen parking lots and prone to blaring last year's rap hits from the RadioShack woofers in their hatchbacks.

Scandinavian metal outfit, Dream Evil

These guys are exactly one pair of goggles shy of hailing from Orlando. (I hear that Ritchie Rainbow (left) is the sensitive one).

Confederate soldier reenactors

This role is as big a stretch as Clay Aiken starring in "Rent."

Dreamcatchers

The only dreams these things catch are those of turquoise jewelry, Lee jeans, and wolf t-shirts.

Cylons

Contrary to popular opinion, you can polish a turd.

Spencer from 'The Hills'

He's like a young John Cusack: Better off dead.
(Not that I've seen the show.)

The Wave

This thing is as fresh as a March pumpkin.

Hawaiian shirts

If the sexiest man in the world can’t pull it off, what makes you think you can?

"Living life to the fullest"

An expression commonly uttered by one who attends DeVry, works at The Sharper Image, and/or subsists on a steady diet of frozen burritos.

Smooth jazz

This opiate of the urban bourgeoisie has about as much artistic integrity as Florence Griffith Joyner’s fingernails on a chalkboard.

Betta (a.k.a. Siamese Fighting Fish)

Their mere presence is a sure sign that you’re planted firmly in, or flirting dangerously with, the white trash demographic. Same goes for silverfish.

Taking a picture of someone taking a picture of you.

I've seen buckets of dirt clods that are more inspired than this maneuver.

Big Dogs

Clothing for when you finally stop caring.

Manitoba, Canada

And you thought our midwest was boring.

Sucker punches

These suckers smart! They're also one of the few testaments to the notion that it's better to give than to receive (See also: herpes and the heebie-jeebies). 

Local funk bands

Gangly white dorks who sing about the hijinks of their gangly white dork friends, and—for some reason—can never land gigs beyond the house parties of their gangly white dork friends.

'Close' buttons on elevators

I've seen wounded great-grandmothers that work more often than these things.

Pizza Hut

These shameless hucksters continue to needlessly reinvent the wheel by churning out increasingly absurd variants of pizza so to exploit the whims of slack-jawed mouth-breathers and children that rock back and forth.

Swedish über-hunk, Günther

You’re better than me. I get it. You don’t have to rub it in.

Soundwave

He reigned supreme in the 1980’s as Megatron’s right-hand man. But modern audio advancements ultimately rendered his skill set all but defunct—making him, essentially, the Jazzy Jeff to Megatron’s Will Smith.

Hacky Sack

This game of leisure was originally championed by the tight-shorts and knee high sock-wearing elite. But Trickle-Down Theory Reaganomics enabled the noble heritage to be hijacked by hippies. Dirty, dirty hippies.

Thomas KInkade

He mass-produces idyllic depictions of idealized, false realities that are calculatedly devised to opiate our senses—making him a veritable Larry Flynt in sheep’s clothing.

The Future

It's the 21st century and yet instead of robot maids, we have robots that do little more than rob us of our money and our dignity.

Spotters

If I wanted to get yelled at by a meathead, I'd hide Lou Ferrigno's hearing aids.

Scooters that pretend to be motorcycles

These counterfeit hogs are about as convincing as a midget on stilts.

KFC Famous Bowls

Like a last meal on death row, this dish was designed to provide momentary comfort to those whose futures are bleak.

Gallagher Too

He gained notoriety for stealing the act of his sledge-hammer wielding brother, Gallagher. To counteract this affront, Gallagher (America’s foremost authority in the War on Watermelon) refocused his wrath and slapped him with a lawsuit. And thank God. Because we need another Gallagher like we need another Hepatitis.

Cads

The adorable Cockney accent will only get you so far, you scamps.

Nunchucks

These relatively ineffective chain sticks are far less threatening than they appear—not unlike whale sharks or Sylvester Stallone.

Gobots

On a scale of fun, these things fall somewhere between Transformers and cat turds.

Jonathan Brandis

He carved a niche for himself portraying socially awkward adolescents in B-movies the likes of Sidekicks and Ladybugs. I’m hesitant to denounce him however, because I recently learned that he committed suicide in 2003. So rather than speaking ill of the dead, I’ll abide by the maxim, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” With that said, please join me in a moment of silence…

"I Have A Dog And I Vote" bumper sticker

Thank you for sharing. As for me, I have a microwave and I breathe.

Jainism

A sect of Hinduism that believes one’s soul will be reborn as a lesser being if they screw up in their current life—as the reincarnation of Chris Farley will certainly attest.

Fiero

Ferrari’s retarded little sister. The sister that you could probably get.

Necco Wafers

These dime-store-colored-sugar-disks are the most worthless of all grandparental handouts—just barely beating out butterscotch, coffee candy, and shiny nickels.