20110105

Uncle Sam


I want YOU to explain your stilt fetish.

20101217

Juggalos (ICP fans)


These dirtclowns are more disaffected than
Steve Guttenberg's career.

20101015

Mandels


Sometimes walking is controlled failing.

20100823

Unibrows


One is the loneliest number.

20100730

The Tea Party


Ignorence ain't alweys blis.

20100622

Backyard wrestling


It's like the Harvard Business School—if you're business is
drooling in buckets.

20100527

Cockapoos


A meth-addled merman would make for a better pet than this hybrid abomination.

Healing crystals


This new age gimmickry will bring about as much serenity as shelling out $300 to ride a hot air balloon into a rainbow with Yanni as he blurts histrionic morning breath into your face.

20100526

Sweatpants


A cry for help not even cutters will succumb to.

20100427

LARPers (Live Action Role Players)


Even their fantasy lives are socially awkward.

20100413

Super fans


Vegetables make fascism grow strong like the Hulk.

20100311

Neck tattoos


They wear their hearts on their sleeves and their
daddy issues on their necks.

20100215

Barry Manilow


Just a geriatric rat in drag, sniffing for his next morsel of cheese.

20100203

Roller Rink officials


Like motel stains, these doofs only flourish under black light.

20100111

Guidos


This breed of Oompa Loompa is afflicted merely with
dwarfish frontal lobes.

20091221

The Red Hat Society


Their repulsive color scheme indicates that these gang members are more likely to have glaucoma than glocks.

20091129

Vampire hysteria


Overweight teenage girls obsessed with vampires.
Thanks Count Chocula.

20091122

Cankles


Unlike actual moon boots, these things have never been popular.

20091119

Affliciton T-shirts


I, too, would be afflicted if I paraded around with Glenn Danzig’s reflux on my chest.

20091112

Megachurches


God is smiling down like a father in the Special Olympics stands.

20091007

Octomom


This clown car needs its doors welded shut.

20091003

Snuggies


Their warmth helps stave off rigamortis—which comes in
handy when you’re dead inside.

20090917

Magic Mormon underpants


Arthur C. Clarke once said, "Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic." Apparently, this includes trampoline-jumping-support technology.

20090819

Mom jeans


The most effective form of birth control. 

20090818

Olive Garden


About as Italian as Frank Stallone-signed cleavage.

20090806

Ashton Kutcher Tweets


These inane updates are a more wince-inducing form of expression than self-immolation.

20090721

Day-shift Hooters waitresses


Sure, they’re sweet gals, but they’re generally about as sexy as a convalescent home fire.

People Magazine crossword puzzles


Rats exert more mental energy when pressing their snouts on levers
to get food pellets.

20090628

Segways


Evidently the only time red state tourists are pro-science is when it keeps them from wheezing.

20090626

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback


Kurt Cobain minus awesome.

Aquaman


If wearing tights and talking to fish makes one a superhero,
then maybe it’s time I reassess my Uncle Dan.

20090603

Ansel Adams posters


These things are about as discerning as “Hang in There”
cat posters.

20090520

Kenny Rogers' makeover


As the Thom Yorke eye will attest, The Gambler’s plastic surgeon clearly doesn’t know when to fold ’em.

20090515

The Phillie Phanatic



He's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, stuffed inside an enigma of self-hatred.

20090514

Jam bands


Traffic jams are more enjoyable.

20090513

Sarah Palin


As with car show spokesmodels and parrots, memorization is
a far cry from sentience.

20090421

Rick Rude


Even for an overgrown, clinically retarded man-child with
no sense of etiquette, he was pretty rude.

20090402

Lance Bass


Just a starry-eyed dreamer on a quest for Uranus.

20090319

Mark from 'The Hogan Family'


Joey Lawrence. With a tapeworm.

20090318

South San Francisco


I left my heart in San Francisco, and my kidney in
South San Francisco.

20090317

Brian Boitano


He’s like Balki Bartokomous, only hilarious.

20090307

Bridge and Tunnel


The stench of Applebee’s and AXE means only one thing:
the barbarians are no longer just at the gate.

20090225

Scratch 'n Win lottery tickets


Scratching your butt through sweatpants is a more rewarding endeavor.

20090224

Manatees


If I cared about seeing lifeless blobs of floating flesh, I’d rent ‘Cocoon.’

20090209

Indian burns


When faced with small pox blankets and gunfire, this form of defense proved about as effective as Indian-giving and maize-hurling.

Arena Football League


It’s like Powder Puff, but with AstroTurf and penises.

20090131

Jockeys


All these whippersnappers do is trade in their
elf suits and carousels for shiny suits and bulimia.

20090130

Female bodybuilders


Sure, they're desirable—if you're a recovering gay Christian
in need of methadone.

20081230

Jean shorts


Advocates of this garment are as oblivious to their offense as a flatulent deaf guy.

20081220

Comic book conventions


The entry badge might as well be a promise ring.