Segways

Evidently the only time red state tourists are pro-science is when it keeps them from wheezing.

Chad Kroeger of Nickelback

Kurt Cobain minus awesome.

Aquaman

If wearing tights and talking to fish makes one a superhero,
then maybe it’s time I reassess my Uncle Dan.

Ansel Adams posters

These things are about as discerning as “Hang in There”
cat posters.

Kenny Rogers' makeover

As the Thom Yorke eye will attest, The Gambler’s plastic surgeon clearly doesn’t know when to fold ’em.

The Phillie Phanatic

He's a riddle, wrapped in a mystery, stuffed inside an enigma of self-hatred.

Jam bands

Traffic jams are more enjoyable.

Sarah Palin

As with car show spokesmodels and parrots, memorization is
a far cry from sentience.

Rick Rude

Even for an overgrown, clinically retarded man-child with
no sense of etiquette, he was pretty rude.

Lance Bass

Just a starry-eyed dreamer on a quest for Uranus.

Mark from 'The Hogan Family'

Joey Lawrence. With a tapeworm.

South San Francisco

I left my heart in San Francisco, and my kidney in
South San Francisco.

Brian Boitano

He’s like Balki Bartokomous, only hilarious.

Bridge and Tunnel

The stench of Applebee’s and AXE means only one thing:
the barbarians are no longer just at the gate.

Scratch 'n Win lottery tickets

Scratching your butt through sweatpants is a more rewarding endeavor.

Manatees

If I cared about seeing lifeless blobs of floating flesh, I’d rent ‘Cocoon.’

Indian burns

When faced with small pox blankets and gunfire, this form of defense proved about as effective as Indian-giving and maize-hurling.

Arena Football League

It’s like Powder Puff, but with AstroTurf and penises.

Jockeys

The only thing these whippersnappers do is trade in their
elf suits and carousels for shiny suits and bulimia.

Female bodybuilders

Sure, they're desirable—if you're a recovering gay Christian
in need of methadone.

Jean shorts

Advocates of this garment are as oblivious to their offense as a flatulent deaf guy.

Comic book conventions

The entry badge might as well be a promise ring.

Authentic reproductions

This oxymoronic memorabilia is the perfect gift for the
ingenious mongoloid in your life.

John Stamos

The only thing this Greek god has going for him is a mug that makes Apollo look like a hungover Tom Petty.

Hearing aids diguised as Bluetooths

Now, if only you could do something about the douchebag handicap.

Single-wide trailers

When you’re this down and out, you’ve gotta go double or nuthin’.

Keanu Reeves

He portrays a mentally retarded person in every movie,
and somehow he still can’t win an Oscar.

Wiccans

The cardinal virtues of this religion are flag twirling, cats, depression, and cheese.

Midget ponies

Too small for cowboys. Too nippy for midgets.

Huffy bikes

Peddling a girl’s bike with peed pants is a more dignified
way to travel.

Granny panties

Like Buicks, these behemoths are only forgivable if you're in your golden years or subsequent dementia years.*


*Clinically known as "Fool's Golden Years."

Claymates

Unlike the disciples, these followers betrayed their chosen one because of their devotion to Jesus.

Melissa Etheridge

True to her musical influences, this corn-fed crooner melds the sensibility of Springsteen with the unlistenability of Springfield.

Greyhound bus conversations

Huffing Scotchgard under power lines is a more enriching experience.

Meter maids

The most loathsome kind of maid this side of Tony Danza.

Randoms who ruin your photos

These people are to photos as moles are to Enrique Iglesias.

Oxygen bars

Snickers bars are more satisfying.

Jet skiers

Like the Yankees, these athletes pride themselves on the timelessness of their uniforms.

Ironic Hitler mustaches

Too soon, man. Too soon.

House painters

They're like real painters, but with late-stage alcoholism instead of talent.

Rollerblading

Experimenting in college is one thing, but come on.

Birthday party magicians

The only magic these sorcerers can conjure up is the will to get out of bed each morning.

Tourrete's Syndrome

This unChristian-like affliction pretty much narrows your career options down to drill sergeant or scarecrow.

Soap on a rope

This variety of soap is only necessary if you’re a prisoner or Michael J. Fox.

McMansions

This phenomenon is the bourgeois version of The Beverly Hillbillies—but with more Prozac and pleats, and fewer bear skins and foreskins.

Bounty hunters

A far cry from Boba Fett, real bounty hunters are armed with little more than a can of mace and a mustache comb.

Henry Waxman

All joking aside, this California congressman is truly an inspiration. Because if a wharf rat can pull himself up by the bootstraps, who can't?

Ivan the Terrible

Kind of a dick.

Shadow boxing

It's Solitaire for meatheads.

AOL

Welcome to the Midwest Wide Web.

Pharmacy toys

The gift that keeps on giving resentment.

Ronald McDonald

This kiddy-fondling freak makes Michael Jackson look like Mike Brady (minus all the sordid stuff).

Lasers

Unlike Hollywood’s destructive depiction, this technology is only capable of destroying one’s viewing experience in Harlem theaters.

Truckasaurus

Behold the South’s only invention since the cotton gin and kissing cousins.

Gum savers

If you’ve resorted to re-chewing your gum, you should probably invest in something a little more essential—like a barrel and suspenders.

Sparklers

These freedom sticks are perhaps the only thing burnout-trippers and right-wing fundamentalists have in common—aside from periodic Jesus sightings.

Working out in jeans and boots

This look is only excusable if you’re an illegal alien, a construction worker, or training to fight Ivan Drago.

Webelos

The only time these granny-helping wood nymphs get to use their survival skills is when they're crammed inside a locker.

Silver robot men

These tourist-trap drones offer up a bleaker vision of the future than ‘The Terminator’. Fortunately, they don’t appear to be self-aware.

Classic rock DJs

The only difference between these guys and strip club announcers is fewer syphilis lesions.

Droopy

As David Bowie came to realize, it takes more than a sporty haircut and eyeshadow to hide your crippling, black depression.

Razor Scooters

You could quicken your commute with spandex and a shaved head as well. But at what cost, man?!

The Worm

This pre-blackout favorite should only be attempted if you're to prepared to awake with bruised knees, skinned elbows, and a bout of soul-crushing shame.

Rodeo clowns

Only Michael Richards has managed to combine failed humor and harbored racism with such dexterity.

Cousin Oliver from 'The Brady Bunch'

The only thing this towheaded imp brought to the table was proof that John Denver wasn’t the impotent granola-gobbler we took him for.

Deluxe leather fanny packs

Getting chrome rims for your double-wide would be a better investment than this abomination.

Ladyboys

Well, which is it? Lady or boy? I don’t know whether to open the door for you or make you mow my lawn.

Proboscis monkeys

Keep it in your pants, monkey!

Silver foxes

These dead sexy elderly gents reek of money, Brute, and colostomy bags.

Black tar heroin

This low-rent smack is the Willis to Drummond’s China white.
(Only speculating, Nana.)

Cloud City pilots

At least Ace and Gary maintained a little ambiguity.

Pant suits

This one-time symbol of empowerment has been reduced to a punch line—no thanks to Hillary Clinton and Dennis Kucinich.

Foreign toilets

Squaws in labor have had an easier go of it.

Great white sharks

The jerks of the sea.

Dockers

This brand of trousers generally looks good only on white Anglo-Saxon protestant males playing golf in the early '90s.

Little people

Unlike dwarves (who are strong and loyal) and midgets (who are fine actors and huggable), little people do little more than stew about life's inequities—like roller coaster regulations and coyote attacks.

Hot girls with a token fat friend

This devious ploy creates an optical allusion that heightens their attractiveness by juxtaposing themselves with acute homeliness. However, some insist this tactic is just an urban legend: namely, Rumer Willis.

Twins that dress alike

Perhaps the most egregious offense that twins can commit—aside from being Jeremy and Jason London.

A group of youths

More terrifying than a car full of chemically imbalanced clowns.

Boogie Boarding

The socially acceptable way to say, "I pee sitting down."

Sam from Diff'rent Strokes

This bowl-headed sass-mouth did for redheaded stepchildren what "Jaws" did for sharks.

Plus-size models

Sure, they're attractive. If you account for gravitational pull.

Townies

A posturing breed of ne'er-do-wells indigenous to A&W and Dairy Queen parking lots and prone to blaring last year's rap hits from the RadioShack woofers in their hatchbacks.

Scandinavian metal outfit, Dream Evil

These guys are exactly one pair of goggles shy of hailing from Orlando. (I hear that Ritchie Rainbow (left) is the sensitive one).

Confederate soldier reenactors

This role is as big a stretch as Clay Aiken starring in "Rent."

Dreamcatchers

The only dreams these things catch are those of turquoise jewelry, Lee jeans, and wolf t-shirts.

Cylons

Contrary to popular opinion, you can polish a turd.

Spencer from 'The Hills'

He's like a young John Cusack: Better off dead.
(Not that I've seen the show.)

The Wave

This thing is as fresh as a March pumpkin.

Hawaiian shirts

If the sexiest man in the world can’t pull it off, what makes you think you can?

"Living life to the fullest"

An expression commonly uttered by one who attends DeVry, works at The Sharper Image, and/or subsists on a steady diet of frozen burritos.

Smooth jazz

This opiate of the urban bourgeoisie has about as much artistic integrity as Florence Griffith Joyner’s fingernails on a chalkboard.

Betta (a.k.a. Siamese Fighting Fish)

Their mere presence is a sure sign that you’re planted firmly in, or flirting dangerously with, the white trash demographic. Same goes for silverfish.

Taking a picture of someone taking a picture of you.

I've seen buckets of dirt clods that are more inspired than this maneuver.

Big Dogs

Clothing for when you finally stop caring.

Manitoba, Canada

And you thought our midwest was boring.

Sucker punches

These suckers smart! They're also one of the few testaments to the notion that it's better to give than to receive (See also: herpes and the heebie-jeebies). 

Local funk bands

Gangly white dorks who sing about the hijinks of their gangly white dork friends, and—for some reason—can never land gigs beyond the house parties of their gangly white dork friends.

'Close' buttons on elevators

I've seen wounded great-grandmothers that work more often than these things.

Pizza Hut

These shameless hucksters continue to needlessly reinvent the wheel by churning out increasingly absurd variants of pizza so to exploit the whims of slack-jawed mouth-breathers and children that rock back and forth.

Swedish über-hunk, Günther

You’re better than me. I get it. You don’t have to rub it in.

Soundwave

He reigned supreme in the 1980’s as Megatron’s right-hand man. But modern audio advancements ultimately rendered his skill set all but defunct—making him, essentially, the Jazzy Jeff to Megatron’s Will Smith.

Hacky Sack

This game of leisure was originally championed by the tight-shorts and knee high sock-wearing elite. But Trickle-Down Theory Reaganomics enabled the noble heritage to be hijacked by hippies. Dirty, dirty hippies.

Thomas KInkade

He mass-produces idyllic depictions of idealized, false realities that are calculatedly devised to opiate our senses—making him a veritable Larry Flynt in sheep’s clothing.

The Future

It's the 21st century and yet instead of robot maids, we have robots that do little more than rob us of our money and our dignity.

Spotters

If I wanted to get yelled at by a meathead, I'd hide Lou Ferrigno's hearing aids.

Scooters that pretend to be motorcycles

These counterfeit hogs are about as convincing as a midget on stilts.

KFC Famous Bowls

Like a last meal on death row, this dish was designed to provide momentary comfort to those whose futures are bleak.

Gallagher Too

He gained notoriety for stealing the act of his sledge-hammer wielding brother, Gallagher. To counteract this affront, Gallagher (America’s foremost authority in the War on Watermelon) refocused his wrath and slapped him with a lawsuit. And thank God. Because we need another Gallagher like we need another Hepatitis.

Cads

The adorable Cockney accent will only get you so far, you scamps.

Nunchucks

These relatively ineffective chain sticks are far less threatening than they appear—not unlike whale sharks or Sylvester Stallone.

Gobots

On a scale of fun, these things fall somewhere between Transformers and cat turds.

Jonathan Brandis

He carved a niche for himself portraying socially awkward adolescents in B-movies the likes of Sidekicks and Ladybugs. I’m hesitant to denounce him however, because I recently learned that he committed suicide in 2003. So rather than speaking ill of the dead, I’ll abide by the maxim, “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.” With that said, please join me in a moment of silence…

"I Have A Dog And I Vote" bumper sticker

Thank you for sharing. As for me, I have a microwave and I breathe.

Jainism

A sect of Hinduism that believes one’s soul will be reborn as a lesser being if they screw up in their current life—as the reincarnation of Chris Farley will certainly attest.

Fiero

Ferrari’s retarded little sister. The sister that you could probably get.

Necco Wafers

These dime-store-colored-sugar-disks are the most worthless of all grandparental handouts—just barely beating out butterscotch, coffee candy, and shiny nickels.

Double Denim (a.k.a. The Canadian Tuxedo)

Unless you’re Luke Duke or John Cougar Mellencamp, this look is best left alone. Unless, of course, you relish the quiet contempt of strangers.

Hooded Flannel Shirts

These faux-grunge disasters were commonly seen adorning the acne-riddled backs of strip mall-roaming teens circa 1994. The fashion victims were ostensibly living the life alterna, but they were more likely to be seen slurping Orange Julius's and/or groveling for Gin Blossoms CDs at Sam Goody’s.

Jamie from ‘Small Wonder’

He had the constitution and personality of a bruised pear.

Napoleon

History remembers him as an insatiable general and conqueror, but his true legacy is the legion of small-statured men who overcompensate for their shortcomings, so to speak.

Buff Carrot Top

The mere existence of Carrot Top is troubling enough, but a freakishly bulging Carrot Top is truly a terrifying spectacle to behold. And beyond the sheer horror of it all, it’s the equivalent of putting a spoiler on a Yugo. And beyond the futility of it all, he's failed to realize that one’s musculature is inversely proportional to one’s comedic prowess. Just ask Joe Piscopo.

Scott Storch

The perfect storm of all things detestable.

Hard-boiled Eggs

These gelatinous bird embryos reek of the sulfuric bowels of hell and are nothing more than partial-birth abortions for your mouth.

Renee Zellweger

Though I harbor no ill will toward her, I feel it’s my civic duty to declare that a passably attractive sourpuss has no place on the A-list.

Jason the Rat Boy

I found this guy foraging in my crawl space last week. He’s exhibited no redeeming qualities to date.