Jean shorts

Advocates of this garment are as oblivious to their offense as a flatulent deaf guy.


Comic book conventions

The entry badge might as well be a promise ring.


Authentic reproductions

This oxymoronic memorabilia is the perfect gift for the
ingenious mongoloid in your life.


John Stamos

The only thing this Greek god has going for him is a mug that makes Apollo look like a hungover Tom Petty.


Hearing aids diguised as Bluetooths

Now, if only you could do something about the douchebag handicap.


Single-wide trailers

When you’re this down and out, you’ve gotta go double or nuthin’.

Keanu Reeves

He portrays a mentally retarded person in every movie,
and somehow he still can’t win an Oscar.



The cardinal virtues of this religion are flag twirling, cats, depression, and cheese.

Midget ponies

Too small for cowboys. Too nippy for midgets.


Huffy bikes

Peddling a girl’s bike with peed pants is a more dignified
way to travel.


Granny panties

Like Buicks, these behemoths are only forgivable if you're in your golden years or subsequent dementia years.*

*Clinically known as "Fool's Golden Years."



Unlike the disciples, these followers betrayed their chosen one because of their devotion to Jesus.

Melissa Etheridge

True to her musical influences, this corn-fed crooner melds the sensibility of Springsteen with the unlistenability of Springfield.

Greyhound bus conversations

Huffing Scotchgard under power lines is a more enriching experience.


Meter maids

The most loathsome kind of maid this side of Tony Danza.

Randoms who ruin your photos

These people are to photos as moles are to Enrique Iglesias.

Oxygen bars

Snickers bars are more satisfying.

Jet skiers

Like the Yankees, these athletes pride themselves on the timelessness of their uniforms.

Ironic Hitler mustaches

Too soon, man. Too soon.


House painters

They're like real painters, but with late-stage alcoholism instead of talent.



Experimenting in college is one thing, but come on.


Birthday party magicians

The only magic these sorcerers can conjure up is the will to get out of bed each morning.


Tourrete's Syndrome

This unChristian-like affliction pretty much narrows your career options down to drill sergeant or scarecrow.

Soap on a rope

This variety of soap is only necessary if you’re a prisoner or Michael J. Fox.


This phenomenon is the bourgeois version of The Beverly Hillbillies—but with more Prozac and pleats, and fewer bear skins and foreskins.

Bounty hunters

A far cry from Boba Fett, real bounty hunters are armed with little more than mace and a mustache comb.

Henry Waxman

All joking aside, this California congressman is truly an inspiration. Because if a wharf rat can pull himself up by the bootstraps, who can't?

Ivan the Terrible

Kind of a dick.

Shadow boxing

It's Solitaire for meatheads.


Welcome to the Midwest Wide Web.

Pharmacy toys

The gift that keeps on giving resentment.


Ronald McDonald

This kiddy-fondling freak makes Michael Jackson look like Mike Brady (minus all the sordid stuff).



Unlike Hollywood’s destructive depiction, this technology is only capable of destroying one’s viewing experience in Harlem theaters.


Behold the South’s only invention since the cotton gin and kissing cousins.


Gum savers

If you’ve resorted to re-chewing your gum, you should probably invest in something a little more essential—like a barrel and suspenders.


These freedom sticks are perhaps the only thing burnout-trippers and right-wing fundamentalists have in common—aside from periodic Jesus sightings.

Working out in jeans and boots

This look is only excusable if you’re an illegal alien, a construction worker, or training to fight Ivan Drago.


The only time these granny-helping wood nymphs get to use their survival skills is when they're crammed inside a locker.

Silver robot men

These tourist-trap drones offer up a bleaker vision of the future than ‘The Terminator’. Fortunately, they don’t appear to be self-aware.

Classic rock DJs

The only difference between these guys and strip club announcers is fewer syphilis lesions.


As David Bowie came to realize, it takes more than a sporty haircut and eyeshadow to hide your crippling, black depression.


Razor Scooters

You could quicken your commute with spandex and a shaved head as well. But at what cost, man?!


The Worm

This pre-blackout favorite should only be attempted if you're to prepared to awake with bruised knees, skinned elbows, and a bout of soul-crushing shame.


Rodeo clowns

Only Michael Richards has managed to combine failed humor and harbored racism with such dexterity.

Cousin Oliver from 'The Brady Bunch'

The only thing this towheaded imp brought to the table was proof that John Denver wasn’t the impotent granola-gobbler we took him for.

Deluxe leather fanny packs

Getting chrome rims for your double-wide would be a better investment than this abomination.



Well, which is it? Lady or boy? I don’t know whether to open the door for you or make you mow my lawn.


Proboscis monkeys

Keep it in your pants, monkey!


Silver foxes

These dead sexy elderly gents reek of money, Brute, and colostomy bags.


Black tar heroin

This low-rent smack is the Willis to Drummond’s China white.
(Only speculating, Nana.)