20081230

Jean shorts


Advocates of this garment are as oblivious to their offense as a flatulent deaf guy.

20081220

Comic book conventions


The entry badge might as well be a promise ring.

20081217

Authentic reproductions


This oxymoronic memorabilia is the perfect gift for the
ingenious mongoloid in your life.

20081209

John Stamos


The only thing this Greek god has going for him is a mug that makes Apollo look like a hungover Tom Petty.

20081121

Hearing aids diguised as Bluetooths


Now, if only you could do something about the douchebag handicap.

20081112

Single-wide trailers


When you’re this down and out, you’ve gotta go double or nuthin’.

Keanu Reeves


He portrays a mentally retarded person in every movie,
and somehow he still can’t win an Oscar.

20081106

Wiccans


The cardinal virtues of this religion are flag twirling, cats, depression, and cheese.

Midget ponies


Too small for cowboys. Too nippy for midgets.

20081026

Huffy bikes


Peddling a girl’s bike with peed pants is a more dignified
way to travel.

20080928

Granny panties


Like Buicks, these behemoths are only forgivable if you're in your golden years or subsequent dementia years.*


*Clinically known as "Fool's Golden Years."

20080925

Claymates


Unlike the disciples, these followers betrayed their chosen one because of their devotion to Jesus.

Melissa Etheridge


True to her musical influences, this corn-fed crooner melds the sensibility of Springsteen with the unlistenability of Springfield.

Greyhound bus conversations


Huffing Scotchgard under power lines is a more enriching experience.

20080924

Meter maids


The most loathsome kind of maid this side of Tony Danza.

Randoms who ruin your photos


These people are to photos as moles are to Enrique Iglesias.

Oxygen bars


Snickers bars are more satisfying.

Jet skiers


Like the Yankees, these athletes pride themselves on the timelessness of their uniforms.

Ironic Hitler mustaches


Too soon, man. Too soon.

20080911

House painters


They're like real painters, but with late-stage alcoholism instead of talent.

20080831

Rollerblading


Experimenting in college is one thing, but come on.

20080829

Birthday party magicians


The only magic these sorcerers can conjure up is the will to get out of bed each morning.

20080828

Tourrete's Syndrome


This unChristian-like affliction pretty much narrows your career options down to drill sergeant or scarecrow.

Soap on a rope


This variety of soap is only necessary if you’re a prisoner or Michael J. Fox.

McMansions


This phenomenon is the bourgeois version of The Beverly Hillbillies—but with more Prozac and pleats, and fewer bear skins and foreskins.

Bounty hunters


A far cry from Boba Fett, real bounty hunters are armed with little more than mace and a mustache comb.

Henry Waxman


All joking aside, this California congressman is truly an inspiration. Because if a wharf rat can pull himself up by the bootstraps, who can't?

Ivan the Terrible


Kind of a dick.

Shadow boxing


It's Solitaire for meatheads.

AOL


Welcome to the Midwest Wide Web.

Pharmacy toys


The gift that keeps on giving resentment.

20080822

Ronald McDonald


This kiddy-fondling freak makes Michael Jackson look like Mike Brady (minus all the sordid stuff).

20080813

Lasers


Unlike Hollywood’s destructive depiction, this technology is only capable of destroying one’s viewing experience in Harlem theaters.

Truckasaurus


Behold the South’s only invention since the cotton gin and kissing cousins.

20080801

Gum savers


If you’ve resorted to re-chewing your gum, you should probably invest in something a little more essential—like a barrel and suspenders.

Sparklers


These freedom sticks are perhaps the only thing burnout-trippers and right-wing fundamentalists have in common—aside from periodic Jesus sightings.

Working out in jeans and boots


This look is only excusable if you’re an illegal alien, a construction worker, or training to fight Ivan Drago.

Webelos


The only time these granny-helping wood nymphs get to use their survival skills is when they're crammed inside a locker.

Silver robot men


These tourist-trap drones offer up a bleaker vision of the future than ‘The Terminator’. Fortunately, they don’t appear to be self-aware.

Classic rock DJs


The only difference between these guys and strip club announcers is fewer syphilis lesions.

Droopy


As David Bowie came to realize, it takes more than a sporty haircut and eyeshadow to hide your crippling, black depression.

20080724

Razor Scooters


You could quicken your commute with spandex and a shaved head as well. But at what cost, man?!

20080719

The Worm


This pre-blackout favorite should only be attempted if you're to prepared to awake with bruised knees, skinned elbows, and a bout of soul-crushing shame.

20080718

Rodeo clowns


Only Michael Richards has managed to combine failed humor and harbored racism with such dexterity.

Cousin Oliver from 'The Brady Bunch'


The only thing this towheaded imp brought to the table was proof that John Denver wasn’t the impotent granola-gobbler we took him for.

Deluxe leather fanny packs


Getting chrome rims for your double-wide would be a better investment than this abomination.

20080717

Ladyboys


Well, which is it? Lady or boy? I don’t know whether to open the door for you or make you mow my lawn.

20080627

Proboscis monkeys


Keep it in your pants, monkey!

20080626

Silver foxes


These dead sexy elderly gents reek of money, Brute, and colostomy bags.

20080620

Black tar heroin


This low-rent smack is the Willis to Drummond’s China white.
(Only speculating, Nana.)