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Scratch 'n Win lottery tickets


Scratching your butt through sweatpants is a more rewarding endeavor.

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Manatees


If I cared about seeing lifeless blobs of floating flesh, I’d rent ‘Cocoon.’

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Indian burns


When faced with small pox blankets and gunfire, this form of defense proved about as effective as Indian-giving and maize-hurling.

Arena Football League


It’s like Powder Puff, but with AstroTurf and penises.