Granny panties

Like Buicks, these behemoths are only forgivable if you're in your golden years or subsequent dementia years.*

*Clinically known as "Fool's Golden Years."



Unlike the disciples, these followers betrayed their chosen one because of their devotion to Jesus.

Melissa Etheridge

True to her musical influences, this corn-fed crooner melds the sensibility of Springsteen with the unlistenability of Springfield.

Greyhound bus conversations

Huffing Scotchgard under power lines is a more enriching experience.


Meter maids

The most loathsome kind of maid this side of Tony Danza.

Randoms who ruin your photos

These people are to photos as moles are to Enrique Iglesias.

Oxygen bars

Snickers bars are more satisfying.

Jet skiers

Like the Yankees, these athletes pride themselves on the timelessness of their uniforms.

Ironic Hitler mustaches

Too soon, man. Too soon.


House painters

They're like real painters, but with late-stage alcoholism instead of talent.